ER Run 6.13.2018

Last several days have been rough, but not abnormal. Tuesday, 6/12, around 9:30 PM I began to go out of it mentally and get somewhat weak. Going to bed seemed like a great idea at that time to reduce falling. When I awoken the next morning, I felt the same but a bit more out of it mentally. All day I was just going back to sleep over and over. I got up twice to use the restroom. It was a struggle in itself. Walking was difficult, and even sitting on the toilet I was swaying very badly. In the midst of all this, I forgot the process/what to do.

How mom found me. Unable to move at all.

The third time I woke up and went to the restroom were like the rest. When I got back to bed, I sat up indian style and checked my phone. It didn’t take long at all before I started to get so weak that I was unable to hold my phone. After putting it down, I grabbed my tea to drink before I laid down. I didn’t make it that far. Holding onto my cup, my entire torso and head began slumping to the left. Before I know it my weight was so dead/heavy that I flipped off the bed into the floor. At that point I could not move at all. Talking wasn’t even an option. After laying in the floor for a while, mom gets home from work and finds me. Able to talk by then, I told her what happened and I can’t move. She called Willie to help and they decided to call for an ambulance, due to the dead weight. After being drug though the house and loaded up, we traveled to DCH.

When there I could talk, but still had no movement of my body from the neck down. People had to move my head for me, itch my nose, etc. I was able to feel pressure to some areas, but not all of them due to numbness. After a few hours in the ER, I was slowly able to wiggle my toes and fingers. Gradually from there more of my strength was coming back. The doctor wasn’t sure what to do. Yet I had to go because it was a BAD time that needed to be documented. They did a CT on my head from falling off of my bed. Drew blood, urine, gave me meds, and fluids. Finally I was able to go home, but still not walking well. Calling my primary doctor today. My unavailability to move my body lasted from roughly around 4:10PM – 9:30PM, I believe.

One of many frustrating parts is feeling trapped in your own body and can’t function it. I had to ask for help for dumb little things. Another part is the doctor, He was like basically ok what am I suppose to do or why are you here. I’m sorry I’m wasting your time, but I can not move my body AT ALL! I was already hangry and frustrated about all of this. GRR!! LOL!

Many people have asked what happened, so this way is the easiest to tell all at once. 🙂

 

Safe Place

First thoughts of a safe place is probably like a bunker or storm shelter. Well that isn’t close to what I’m getting at. Hold on to your britches and get ready!! HAHA!!

Do you ever feel as if your mind needs a safe place?
Do you ever feel like you need a safe place from your health?
Do you ever want to escape from daily struggles in general?
What is your safe place?

My personal safe place was mainly from health and family issues growing up. The fear of parents arguing over my child support. The fear of making anyone struggle over my existence. The fear of making horrible grades. The fear of constantly failing. The fear of going weak and not able to walk normally. The fear of falling and getting bruises or concussions. The fear of my own negative thoughts. The fear of extreme depression. The fear of my vision going blurry. The fear of extreme fatigue. The fear of mentally feeling out of it. These were my main fears growing up and after high school.

Throughout the years I tried different outlets, yet none worked completely except for one. It isn’t something I’m proud of nor would I ever suggest. My outlet was sleep. Doesn’t sound too bad right? Wrong! Too get to sleep, I’d take any pill I could find that would make me sleep. I realized this was beginning to be a problem, and I had to give my mom all of my medications. When I needed some, I went to her for whatever it was. I was becoming addicted to it and putting going to sleep above all else in my life.

Sleep was my escape because…

• I didn’t feel pain.
• My mind didn’t run to negative places.
• If I was feeling weak, I didn’t know nor had to fear falling.
• I didn’t know if I felt fatigue or had blurry vision.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. – John 16:33

“There are many times in a recovering addict’s life when he must summon courage and find his strongest self. This is a reminder that obstacles are inevitable, but with God anything is possible.”

Now days I still love to sleep, but it isn’t from pills and addictions. I have replaced the main outlet with several things that encourage and lift my positive thoughts out. My go to now includes:

• Painting
• Worship
• Fishing
• Riding around
• Crafts
• Going to see friends
• Eat queso dip 🙂

My number one safe place is talking to God. Not just praying like people do at church. I rant/cry/laugh like He is next to me and we are chatting. It makes me realize He doesn’t make mistakes and His timing is perfect. He places us in situations that He knows we can handle together. We will look back and be able to use these bad experience for His good.

Most people don’t know that I was sexually assaulted in my late teen years. I was scared and didn’t tell anyone at the time. Dumb, I know! But y’all, God knew I could handle it. He gave me strength to not only forgive the person, but to be able to talk about it and help others to get through it.

Know that we are human! We will get discouraged and depressed. Yet we need reminders of God not leaving our side through the good and the bad times. I’ll admit these last 6-7 months of poor health have been a huge trial, but I am now even closer to God. I have looked back and saw that God led me and prepared me for this time.

All of this to say, God is the absolute best, never failing safe place. I know from experience and I can’t hold it in. My God is alive and real. I speak to and hear from Him. I have seen His work and presence through out my life and IT PUMPS ME UP!! So no matter what you are facing, know that God has an awesome plan to use it. Even if it is hard to grasp at the time.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10

Did I mention that MY GOD IS AWESOME!! 🙂