Most of you know my health situation. Seven months of non known, which started in 2005, but worsen uncontrollably seven months ago. Looking back I had all these dreams and goals that I wanted to accomplish in life. I aimed for them, but health always drug me backwards. Like I could never win any big battle against it.
Well now looking back them “Big” battles, I would love to have now. I never imagined my life at twenty nine years old, living at home, not able to work, not able to drive out of my small town, and using a walking cant to walk some days. I would rather have the battles of my past than the battles of my presence.
Example. This weekend has been a roller coaster for my health.
Friday. I felt rough that morning, yet better by the evening. My friend and I went to eat Mexican at the local restaurant, then decided to ride back roads and jam out. In the middle of riding around, I could feel my body draining and going weak, my brain began to fog up, and my noticed my words were mumbling and not making sense. Great. 🙄
By the time I returned home around 11pm, I got inside and changed into pajamas. Went to the kitchen for a snack and sat in there to eat, since I was exhausted from just that little walk. After putting the food away, I was walking out of the kitchen and fell on the tile floor. Y’all that’s the worse place in the house to fall, I have tested them all unfortunately. 😂 It took a while to gain strength to get up, but as always I did it.
Saturday. I woke up sore but mostly doing good. Everyone left and I wanted to stay home being a little off steady still. Alone, I had one of my larger spells. I use to get sent to the ER during them, because everyone around me at the time thought I was having a stroke. It was the exactly symptoms of a stroke. Yet no tests ever came back as a stroke. This time I was scared, I couldn’t work my phone nor could I speak. I was crying and mad that I couldn’t do nothing. I wanted to drive myself to the ER, but I knew I couldn’t drive. I didn’t want to pay for an ambulance, but it was almost to that point. Next I knew after at least 15-20 minutes, it began to fade away. No, I didn’t go to the doctor, because it’s the same results each time. I fell one time that day and couldn’t contain my bladder. I was exhausted the rest of the day like a ran a marathon and was hit by a truck. Needless to say my Saturday was spent in bed.
Sunday. I awoke kinda off and walking very well finally. Didn’t make it to church, but I was up and functioning. My friends came to see me and ate dinner at our local Mexican restaurant to lift my spirits…it worked. After we ate they came back to my house to hang out. I fell once while they were there, and noticed my walking going off again. Great! After they leave I go to bed and can’t sleep due to nausea and pain. After many unsuccessful attempts, I went to sit in the kitchen and eat a cucumber. Walking to the table after getting the cucumber, I fell and couldn’t get up for a while, my hip was throbbing. Not able to stop or get up, I urinated on myself. Which has been happening more recently. 😤
What is there to do? 29 years old falling in the floor, can’t control her bladder, can’t work, can’t drive, and living at home. Oh boy, I am living the life! (Sarcasm)
It is beyond frustrating being trapped in a body you can’t seem to control that’s taken over your life. It makes me think of Parkinson’s, MSA, and other patients. I couldn’t imagine what’s it’s like for them.
I may have it rough to some people, and to me on some days, I am so blessed!! I am able to get up on my own majority of the time. I am able to feed my self and clean my own body. So much to be thankful for today!! Yes, I get frustrated and break down, but I always try to come back thankful.
Never take for granted the little things in life. Getting in a car and driving. Going to work. Walking when you want too. Today a few of my battles are these listed above. Some days I can do all of them, and some days I can’t do any of them. I’d give anything to get my so called big battles from the past to replace these, but that isn’t in God’s plan.
The problem all along with my goals and dreams was that God wasn’t in them. So now I live one day at a time and follow His paths as best as I can. I love how I look back at times and can thank Him for allowing me to face things to be able to seek Him more and grow with Him. I’m so thankful He gave me eyes to see that I have many blessings in my life even after horrible days.
Eyes to the Sky!
Invisible in Reality 