ER Run 6.13.2018

Last several days have been rough, but not abnormal. Tuesday, 6/12, around 9:30 PM I began to go out of it mentally and get somewhat weak. Going to bed seemed like a great idea at that time to reduce falling. When I awoken the next morning, I felt the same but a bit more out of it mentally. All day I was just going back to sleep over and over. I got up twice to use the restroom. It was a struggle in itself. Walking was difficult, and even sitting on the toilet I was swaying very badly. In the midst of all this, I forgot the process/what to do.

How mom found me. Unable to move at all.

The third time I woke up and went to the restroom were like the rest. When I got back to bed, I sat up indian style and checked my phone. It didn’t take long at all before I started to get so weak that I was unable to hold my phone. After putting it down, I grabbed my tea to drink before I laid down. I didn’t make it that far. Holding onto my cup, my entire torso and head began slumping to the left. Before I know it my weight was so dead/heavy that I flipped off the bed into the floor. At that point I could not move at all. Talking wasn’t even an option. After laying in the floor for a while, mom gets home from work and finds me. Able to talk by then, I told her what happened and I can’t move. She called Willie to help and they decided to call for an ambulance, due to the dead weight. After being drug though the house and loaded up, we traveled to DCH.

When there I could talk, but still had no movement of my body from the neck down. People had to move my head for me, itch my nose, etc. I was able to feel pressure to some areas, but not all of them due to numbness. After a few hours in the ER, I was slowly able to wiggle my toes and fingers. Gradually from there more of my strength was coming back. The doctor wasn’t sure what to do. Yet I had to go because it was a BAD time that needed to be documented. They did a CT on my head from falling off of my bed. Drew blood, urine, gave me meds, and fluids. Finally I was able to go home, but still not walking well. Calling my primary doctor today. My unavailability to move my body lasted from roughly around 4:10PM – 9:30PM, I believe.

One of many frustrating parts is feeling trapped in your own body and can’t function it. I had to ask for help for dumb little things. Another part is the doctor, He was like basically ok what am I suppose to do or why are you here. I’m sorry I’m wasting your time, but I can not move my body AT ALL! I was already hangry and frustrated about all of this. GRR!! LOL!

Many people have asked what happened, so this way is the easiest to tell all at once. 🙂

 

Never Take the Small Things for Granted.

Most of you know my health situation. Seven months of non known, which started in 2005, but worsen uncontrollably seven months ago. Looking back I had all these dreams and goals that I wanted to accomplish in life. I aimed for them, but health always drug me backwards. Like I could never win any big battle against it.

Well now looking back them “Big” battles, I would love to have now. I never imagined my life at twenty nine years old, living at home, not able to work, not able to drive out of my small town, and using a walking cant to walk some days. I would rather have the battles of my past than the battles of my presence.

Example. This weekend has been a roller coaster for my health.

Friday. I felt rough that morning, yet better by the evening. My friend and I went to eat Mexican at the local restaurant, then decided to ride back roads and jam out. In the middle of riding around, I could feel my body draining and going weak, my brain began to fog up, and my noticed my words were mumbling and not making sense. Great. 🙄

By the time I returned home around 11pm, I got inside and changed into pajamas. Went to the kitchen for a snack and sat in there to eat, since I was exhausted from just that little walk. After putting the food away, I was walking out of the kitchen and fell on the tile floor. Y’all that’s the worse place in the house to fall, I have tested them all unfortunately. 😂 It took a while to gain strength to get up, but as always I did it.

Saturday. I woke up sore but mostly doing good. Everyone left and I wanted to stay home being a little off steady still. Alone, I had one of my larger spells. I use to get sent to the ER during them, because everyone around me at the time thought I was having a stroke. It was the exactly symptoms of a stroke. Yet no tests ever came back as a stroke. This time I was scared, I couldn’t work my phone nor could I speak. I was crying and mad that I couldn’t do nothing. I wanted to drive myself to the ER, but I knew I couldn’t drive. I didn’t want to pay for an ambulance, but it was almost to that point. Next I knew after at least 15-20 minutes, it began to fade away. No, I didn’t go to the doctor, because it’s the same results each time. I fell one time that day and couldn’t contain my bladder. I was exhausted the rest of the day like a ran a marathon and was hit by a truck. Needless to say my Saturday was spent in bed.

Sunday. I awoke kinda off and walking very well finally. Didn’t make it to church, but I was up and functioning. My friends came to see me and ate dinner at our local Mexican restaurant to lift my spirits…it worked. After we ate they came back to my house to hang out. I fell once while they were there, and noticed my walking going off again. Great! After they leave I go to bed and can’t sleep due to nausea and pain. After many unsuccessful attempts, I went to sit in the kitchen and eat a cucumber. Walking to the table after getting the cucumber, I fell and couldn’t get up for a while, my hip was throbbing. Not able to stop or get up, I urinated on myself. Which has been happening more recently. 😤

What is there to do? 29 years old falling in the floor, can’t control her bladder, can’t work, can’t drive, and living at home. Oh boy, I am living the life! (Sarcasm)

It is beyond frustrating being trapped in a body you can’t seem to control that’s taken over your life. It makes me think of Parkinson’s, MSA, and other patients. I couldn’t imagine what’s it’s like for them.

I may have it rough to some people, and to me on some days, I am so blessed!! I am able to get up on my own majority of the time. I am able to feed my self and clean my own body. So much to be thankful for today!! Yes, I get frustrated and break down, but I always try to come back thankful.

Never take for granted the little things in life. Getting in a car and driving. Going to work. Walking when you want too. Today a few of my battles are these listed above. Some days I can do all of them, and some days I can’t do any of them. I’d give anything to get my so called big battles from the past to replace these, but that isn’t in God’s plan.

The problem all along with my goals and dreams was that God wasn’t in them. So now I live one day at a time and follow His paths as best as I can. I love how I look back at times and can thank Him for allowing me to face things to be able to seek Him more and grow with Him. I’m so thankful He gave me eyes to see that I have many blessings in my life even after horrible days.

Eyes to the Sky!

Safe Place

First thoughts of a safe place is probably like a bunker or storm shelter. Well that isn’t close to what I’m getting at. Hold on to your britches and get ready!! HAHA!!

Do you ever feel as if your mind needs a safe place?
Do you ever feel like you need a safe place from your health?
Do you ever want to escape from daily struggles in general?
What is your safe place?

My personal safe place was mainly from health and family issues growing up. The fear of parents arguing over my child support. The fear of making anyone struggle over my existence. The fear of making horrible grades. The fear of constantly failing. The fear of going weak and not able to walk normally. The fear of falling and getting bruises or concussions. The fear of my own negative thoughts. The fear of extreme depression. The fear of my vision going blurry. The fear of extreme fatigue. The fear of mentally feeling out of it. These were my main fears growing up and after high school.

Throughout the years I tried different outlets, yet none worked completely except for one. It isn’t something I’m proud of nor would I ever suggest. My outlet was sleep. Doesn’t sound too bad right? Wrong! Too get to sleep, I’d take any pill I could find that would make me sleep. I realized this was beginning to be a problem, and I had to give my mom all of my medications. When I needed some, I went to her for whatever it was. I was becoming addicted to it and putting going to sleep above all else in my life.

Sleep was my escape because…

• I didn’t feel pain.
• My mind didn’t run to negative places.
• If I was feeling weak, I didn’t know nor had to fear falling.
• I didn’t know if I felt fatigue or had blurry vision.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. – John 16:33

“There are many times in a recovering addict’s life when he must summon courage and find his strongest self. This is a reminder that obstacles are inevitable, but with God anything is possible.”

Now days I still love to sleep, but it isn’t from pills and addictions. I have replaced the main outlet with several things that encourage and lift my positive thoughts out. My go to now includes:

• Painting
• Worship
• Fishing
• Riding around
• Crafts
• Going to see friends
• Eat queso dip 🙂

My number one safe place is talking to God. Not just praying like people do at church. I rant/cry/laugh like He is next to me and we are chatting. It makes me realize He doesn’t make mistakes and His timing is perfect. He places us in situations that He knows we can handle together. We will look back and be able to use these bad experience for His good.

Most people don’t know that I was sexually assaulted in my late teen years. I was scared and didn’t tell anyone at the time. Dumb, I know! But y’all, God knew I could handle it. He gave me strength to not only forgive the person, but to be able to talk about it and help others to get through it.

Know that we are human! We will get discouraged and depressed. Yet we need reminders of God not leaving our side through the good and the bad times. I’ll admit these last 6-7 months of poor health have been a huge trial, but I am now even closer to God. I have looked back and saw that God led me and prepared me for this time.

All of this to say, God is the absolute best, never failing safe place. I know from experience and I can’t hold it in. My God is alive and real. I speak to and hear from Him. I have seen His work and presence through out my life and IT PUMPS ME UP!! So no matter what you are facing, know that God has an awesome plan to use it. Even if it is hard to grasp at the time.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10

Did I mention that MY GOD IS AWESOME!! 🙂

Daily Struggle

The older I became, the more difficult my daily struggles were becoming. You are probably thinking, well of course you are an adult. No, I mean health struggles.

KEEP YOUR GALLBLADDER!! If you don’t want to get sick when you eat and have to change your diet definitely keep it. Also if using public restrooms or going on the side of the road isn’t your cup of tea, I’d suggest trying to keep it. Oh staying around a restroom for a while after eating is a must as well. HAHA! Y’all the struggle with that alone is real!

I have always been a planner. I could tell you what my week or weekend plans were going to involve. Now not so much. I have to go with the flow, because my days vary. Today for an example, I was having a good day and was able to get a few things done here at home. This afternoon my sister and I even went to walk. I walked .7 miles at a fast pace, that is a huge accomplishment considering my circumstances.

This evening was a different story.  While swinging in a hammock chair, I started to get warm and motion sickness (Nauseated, light headed, dizzy, extremely weak, brain fog). Walking inside the house I almost fell and had to sit for a while to regain strength. Finally inside at the kitchen table, I sat until the food was ready. I was able to fix my plate, but had to go slowly. After eating and playing dominoes, the tea needed to be made before I went to my bedroom. Pouring the little bit of tea left in the pitcher into the sink, I was shaking and it went down the counter. Grabbing a towel to bend and wipe the tea up, I was stuck. I had no strength to pull myself back up and just sat on the floor.

When this happens I don’t ask for help. I get frustrated! I hate not being able to do these simple things alone. I refuse to lose! I will sit there as long as I have to until my strength comes back. Yet there are times where I have laid on the floor not able to control my body. I have urinated and drooled on myself, waiting on someone to find and help me. I try not to allow people to see how badly it gets sometimes. I don’t want to be thought of as that girl with issues, I want to be known as the girl who over came her battle or the girl who used it for good.

These “Spells” as I call them, come and go all throughout the day. Some I am able to hide and some couldn’t hide even with an elephant in front of me. So my days plans change suddenly and throughout the day. It frustrates me to tears and depression.

Currently I’ve been out of work for about 6 months, and my family pays my bills. I have went to interviews and prayed to God that if I’m ready and He wants me at work to open the door for me. Each time the door cracks open, my health improves for a few days and then I hit rock bottom again. God must see the larger picture and know I’m not ready yet. I have been selling personal items and finding any way I can to help pay my bills. With that being said, I don’t want to have to get on disability, so I will continue to push myself to get back into work.

With these daily struggles, I know I can handle them with God along my side. He always provides to those who are faithful. Yet I am human and will break sometimes. My family and friends are amazing and pray for me to overcome this. If you see me walking perfectly fine then a few hours later using my walking cane, don’t judge. We never know what people are facing in life. Be kind and supportive to all those you come in contact with.