Never Take the Small Things for Granted.

Most of you know my health situation. Seven months of non known, which started in 2005, but worsen uncontrollably seven months ago. Looking back I had all these dreams and goals that I wanted to accomplish in life. I aimed for them, but health always drug me backwards. Like I could never win any big battle against it.

Well now looking back them “Big” battles, I would love to have now. I never imagined my life at twenty nine years old, living at home, not able to work, not able to drive out of my small town, and using a walking cant to walk some days. I would rather have the battles of my past than the battles of my presence.

Example. This weekend has been a roller coaster for my health.

Friday. I felt rough that morning, yet better by the evening. My friend and I went to eat Mexican at the local restaurant, then decided to ride back roads and jam out. In the middle of riding around, I could feel my body draining and going weak, my brain began to fog up, and my noticed my words were mumbling and not making sense. Great. 🙄

By the time I returned home around 11pm, I got inside and changed into pajamas. Went to the kitchen for a snack and sat in there to eat, since I was exhausted from just that little walk. After putting the food away, I was walking out of the kitchen and fell on the tile floor. Y’all that’s the worse place in the house to fall, I have tested them all unfortunately. 😂 It took a while to gain strength to get up, but as always I did it.

Saturday. I woke up sore but mostly doing good. Everyone left and I wanted to stay home being a little off steady still. Alone, I had one of my larger spells. I use to get sent to the ER during them, because everyone around me at the time thought I was having a stroke. It was the exactly symptoms of a stroke. Yet no tests ever came back as a stroke. This time I was scared, I couldn’t work my phone nor could I speak. I was crying and mad that I couldn’t do nothing. I wanted to drive myself to the ER, but I knew I couldn’t drive. I didn’t want to pay for an ambulance, but it was almost to that point. Next I knew after at least 15-20 minutes, it began to fade away. No, I didn’t go to the doctor, because it’s the same results each time. I fell one time that day and couldn’t contain my bladder. I was exhausted the rest of the day like a ran a marathon and was hit by a truck. Needless to say my Saturday was spent in bed.

Sunday. I awoke kinda off and walking very well finally. Didn’t make it to church, but I was up and functioning. My friends came to see me and ate dinner at our local Mexican restaurant to lift my spirits…it worked. After we ate they came back to my house to hang out. I fell once while they were there, and noticed my walking going off again. Great! After they leave I go to bed and can’t sleep due to nausea and pain. After many unsuccessful attempts, I went to sit in the kitchen and eat a cucumber. Walking to the table after getting the cucumber, I fell and couldn’t get up for a while, my hip was throbbing. Not able to stop or get up, I urinated on myself. Which has been happening more recently. 😤

What is there to do? 29 years old falling in the floor, can’t control her bladder, can’t work, can’t drive, and living at home. Oh boy, I am living the life! (Sarcasm)

It is beyond frustrating being trapped in a body you can’t seem to control that’s taken over your life. It makes me think of Parkinson’s, MSA, and other patients. I couldn’t imagine what’s it’s like for them.

I may have it rough to some people, and to me on some days, I am so blessed!! I am able to get up on my own majority of the time. I am able to feed my self and clean my own body. So much to be thankful for today!! Yes, I get frustrated and break down, but I always try to come back thankful.

Never take for granted the little things in life. Getting in a car and driving. Going to work. Walking when you want too. Today a few of my battles are these listed above. Some days I can do all of them, and some days I can’t do any of them. I’d give anything to get my so called big battles from the past to replace these, but that isn’t in God’s plan.

The problem all along with my goals and dreams was that God wasn’t in them. So now I live one day at a time and follow His paths as best as I can. I love how I look back at times and can thank Him for allowing me to face things to be able to seek Him more and grow with Him. I’m so thankful He gave me eyes to see that I have many blessings in my life even after horrible days.

Eyes to the Sky!

Daily Struggle

The older I became, the more difficult my daily struggles were becoming. You are probably thinking, well of course you are an adult. No, I mean health struggles.

KEEP YOUR GALLBLADDER!! If you don’t want to get sick when you eat and have to change your diet definitely keep it. Also if using public restrooms or going on the side of the road isn’t your cup of tea, I’d suggest trying to keep it. Oh staying around a restroom for a while after eating is a must as well. HAHA! Y’all the struggle with that alone is real!

I have always been a planner. I could tell you what my week or weekend plans were going to involve. Now not so much. I have to go with the flow, because my days vary. Today for an example, I was having a good day and was able to get a few things done here at home. This afternoon my sister and I even went to walk. I walked .7 miles at a fast pace, that is a huge accomplishment considering my circumstances.

This evening was a different story.  While swinging in a hammock chair, I started to get warm and motion sickness (Nauseated, light headed, dizzy, extremely weak, brain fog). Walking inside the house I almost fell and had to sit for a while to regain strength. Finally inside at the kitchen table, I sat until the food was ready. I was able to fix my plate, but had to go slowly. After eating and playing dominoes, the tea needed to be made before I went to my bedroom. Pouring the little bit of tea left in the pitcher into the sink, I was shaking and it went down the counter. Grabbing a towel to bend and wipe the tea up, I was stuck. I had no strength to pull myself back up and just sat on the floor.

When this happens I don’t ask for help. I get frustrated! I hate not being able to do these simple things alone. I refuse to lose! I will sit there as long as I have to until my strength comes back. Yet there are times where I have laid on the floor not able to control my body. I have urinated and drooled on myself, waiting on someone to find and help me. I try not to allow people to see how badly it gets sometimes. I don’t want to be thought of as that girl with issues, I want to be known as the girl who over came her battle or the girl who used it for good.

These “Spells” as I call them, come and go all throughout the day. Some I am able to hide and some couldn’t hide even with an elephant in front of me. So my days plans change suddenly and throughout the day. It frustrates me to tears and depression.

Currently I’ve been out of work for about 6 months, and my family pays my bills. I have went to interviews and prayed to God that if I’m ready and He wants me at work to open the door for me. Each time the door cracks open, my health improves for a few days and then I hit rock bottom again. God must see the larger picture and know I’m not ready yet. I have been selling personal items and finding any way I can to help pay my bills. With that being said, I don’t want to have to get on disability, so I will continue to push myself to get back into work.

With these daily struggles, I know I can handle them with God along my side. He always provides to those who are faithful. Yet I am human and will break sometimes. My family and friends are amazing and pray for me to overcome this. If you see me walking perfectly fine then a few hours later using my walking cane, don’t judge. We never know what people are facing in life. Be kind and supportive to all those you come in contact with.