Ways to conquer SLEEP!

When you read this, you will think well DUH! No it’s not that easy let me tell you!

I have been struggling with sleep for a long time. Recently had a lot of health issues pop up, so I was referred to a sleep specialist. Just to see if it helps. My first appointment involved him telling me what I should do and how hard it will actually be to accomplish. He wasn’t lying.

Normally I’d fight sleep and wake up every night to tinkle, then struggle to go back to sleep. I avoided my phone and tv, and just tossed and turned the whole time. The doctor suggested I was thinking of sleeping too much. Wait what?!?!

Yes, it makes sense. Like swallowing a pill, you can’t think about it or you will throw it up. It’s the same way with sleeping. Don’t say you can’t sleep, won’t sleep, don’t sleep, or you are going to sleep. Say things like “I didn’t sleep that well”, “I have slept as well lately”, “I’m going to lay down”. It may seem silly, because it is all mind games.

I began this a week ago. Avoiding naps is my number one struggle, while dealing with extreme fatigue. When I lay down I just relax and rest my whole body not thinking of sleep. I have been falling asleep quicker, and sleeping longer than 2-5 hrs a night.

If I wake up during the night, the doctor suggest going to a separate room and read an article from a magazine that doesn’t get you excited or mad about. Not a book though, because you will not want to stop reading it. With an article there is an quick ending. This is to relax your mind and not think of sleeping. Give yourself 30 minutes (guesstimate the time length) to fall asleep. Repeat, if you are awake still.

Since starting I have seen improvement, sleeping longer and deeper at night. It’s not a walk in the park though. It is hard at first. If you mess up one night just restart the next night. Don’t give up!!

Goal: sleep as good as Fred!

Safe Place

First thoughts of a safe place is probably like a bunker or storm shelter. Well that isn’t close to what I’m getting at. Hold on to your britches and get ready!! HAHA!!

Do you ever feel as if your mind needs a safe place?
Do you ever feel like you need a safe place from your health?
Do you ever want to escape from daily struggles in general?
What is your safe place?

My personal safe place was mainly from health and family issues growing up. The fear of parents arguing over my child support. The fear of making anyone struggle over my existence. The fear of making horrible grades. The fear of constantly failing. The fear of going weak and not able to walk normally. The fear of falling and getting bruises or concussions. The fear of my own negative thoughts. The fear of extreme depression. The fear of my vision going blurry. The fear of extreme fatigue. The fear of mentally feeling out of it. These were my main fears growing up and after high school.

Throughout the years I tried different outlets, yet none worked completely except for one. It isn’t something I’m proud of nor would I ever suggest. My outlet was sleep. Doesn’t sound too bad right? Wrong! Too get to sleep, I’d take any pill I could find that would make me sleep. I realized this was beginning to be a problem, and I had to give my mom all of my medications. When I needed some, I went to her for whatever it was. I was becoming addicted to it and putting going to sleep above all else in my life.

Sleep was my escape because…

• I didn’t feel pain.
• My mind didn’t run to negative places.
• If I was feeling weak, I didn’t know nor had to fear falling.
• I didn’t know if I felt fatigue or had blurry vision.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. – John 16:33

“There are many times in a recovering addict’s life when he must summon courage and find his strongest self. This is a reminder that obstacles are inevitable, but with God anything is possible.”

Now days I still love to sleep, but it isn’t from pills and addictions. I have replaced the main outlet with several things that encourage and lift my positive thoughts out. My go to now includes:

• Painting
• Worship
• Fishing
• Riding around
• Crafts
• Going to see friends
• Eat queso dip 🙂

My number one safe place is talking to God. Not just praying like people do at church. I rant/cry/laugh like He is next to me and we are chatting. It makes me realize He doesn’t make mistakes and His timing is perfect. He places us in situations that He knows we can handle together. We will look back and be able to use these bad experience for His good.

Most people don’t know that I was sexually assaulted in my late teen years. I was scared and didn’t tell anyone at the time. Dumb, I know! But y’all, God knew I could handle it. He gave me strength to not only forgive the person, but to be able to talk about it and help others to get through it.

Know that we are human! We will get discouraged and depressed. Yet we need reminders of God not leaving our side through the good and the bad times. I’ll admit these last 6-7 months of poor health have been a huge trial, but I am now even closer to God. I have looked back and saw that God led me and prepared me for this time.

All of this to say, God is the absolute best, never failing safe place. I know from experience and I can’t hold it in. My God is alive and real. I speak to and hear from Him. I have seen His work and presence through out my life and IT PUMPS ME UP!! So no matter what you are facing, know that God has an awesome plan to use it. Even if it is hard to grasp at the time.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10

Did I mention that MY GOD IS AWESOME!! 🙂

Day of Frustration!!

Today has been extremely frustrating!! I woke up for church and was too nauseated to get ready. Second alarm went off for church, but it had worsened.

Throughout the day it just progressed and gain symptoms. Weakness. Stuttering. Out of it mentally. Off balance. Short of breathe. Dizzy. Headache. That is just the ones I able to think of currently while still suffering through them.

I usually keep my frustration in or I break down to God or my closest friends. Today Emily was the lucky winner of my break down. This is the first text she received.

“I feel so mentally out of it. Dizzy. Headache. Off balance. I am sooooo pissed!!!! Why can’t i get over it?! Idk what else to do?”

She is a great friend, always trying to think rationally and calm me down. She asked if I was hot. Recently I hoped I found the trigger, over heating. Yet I haven’t been hot all day. Second and last text went…

“I need to work. Mom is drowning from my bills. Disability takes over a year, yet every time i try it back slides. Tell me what to do!!”

Breaking down seems to happen more often now days. Having great friends and family, have kept me uplifted when down or entertained me. I was asked earlier this week, “You’re better now days though right?” I think I am then downward spiral again. Yes I may seem better one minute and the next minute I’m down completely.

Since I began typing this post, I have fallen in my bedroom walking from my bathroom (10 feet away). First time in two weeks or so. It’s depressing and discouraging. This week I will be seeing a Doctor about a sleep study. 🙌🏻🙏🏻 Praying this will find something. I don’t care what they find anymore, I just want answers and help.

Please pray for my health and mentally stability during this.

Daily Struggle

The older I became, the more difficult my daily struggles were becoming. You are probably thinking, well of course you are an adult. No, I mean health struggles.

KEEP YOUR GALLBLADDER!! If you don’t want to get sick when you eat and have to change your diet definitely keep it. Also if using public restrooms or going on the side of the road isn’t your cup of tea, I’d suggest trying to keep it. Oh staying around a restroom for a while after eating is a must as well. HAHA! Y’all the struggle with that alone is real!

I have always been a planner. I could tell you what my week or weekend plans were going to involve. Now not so much. I have to go with the flow, because my days vary. Today for an example, I was having a good day and was able to get a few things done here at home. This afternoon my sister and I even went to walk. I walked .7 miles at a fast pace, that is a huge accomplishment considering my circumstances.

This evening was a different story.  While swinging in a hammock chair, I started to get warm and motion sickness (Nauseated, light headed, dizzy, extremely weak, brain fog). Walking inside the house I almost fell and had to sit for a while to regain strength. Finally inside at the kitchen table, I sat until the food was ready. I was able to fix my plate, but had to go slowly. After eating and playing dominoes, the tea needed to be made before I went to my bedroom. Pouring the little bit of tea left in the pitcher into the sink, I was shaking and it went down the counter. Grabbing a towel to bend and wipe the tea up, I was stuck. I had no strength to pull myself back up and just sat on the floor.

When this happens I don’t ask for help. I get frustrated! I hate not being able to do these simple things alone. I refuse to lose! I will sit there as long as I have to until my strength comes back. Yet there are times where I have laid on the floor not able to control my body. I have urinated and drooled on myself, waiting on someone to find and help me. I try not to allow people to see how badly it gets sometimes. I don’t want to be thought of as that girl with issues, I want to be known as the girl who over came her battle or the girl who used it for good.

These “Spells” as I call them, come and go all throughout the day. Some I am able to hide and some couldn’t hide even with an elephant in front of me. So my days plans change suddenly and throughout the day. It frustrates me to tears and depression.

Currently I’ve been out of work for about 6 months, and my family pays my bills. I have went to interviews and prayed to God that if I’m ready and He wants me at work to open the door for me. Each time the door cracks open, my health improves for a few days and then I hit rock bottom again. God must see the larger picture and know I’m not ready yet. I have been selling personal items and finding any way I can to help pay my bills. With that being said, I don’t want to have to get on disability, so I will continue to push myself to get back into work.

With these daily struggles, I know I can handle them with God along my side. He always provides to those who are faithful. Yet I am human and will break sometimes. My family and friends are amazing and pray for me to overcome this. If you see me walking perfectly fine then a few hours later using my walking cane, don’t judge. We never know what people are facing in life. Be kind and supportive to all those you come in contact with.

The Invisibility

Since I was a child, I have dealt with health issues. In high school they began to worsen and still no answers. Now, 12 years after high school, I am still dealing with the health issues plus some.

For the last 6 months, I have been unable to work due to the health unknown. Let me recap what exactly happened.

Last spring while working for USPS as a rural carrier, my symptoms became more aggressive. Something I couldn’t ignore and continue to fight through as normal. If my body temperature over heated a tad bit, I’d feel nauseated, weak, dizzy, and out of it mentally. I wasn’t able to finish my route or get in and out of the car. Which was beyond frustrating for me! I am very independent and want to be the best at all my job positions. Due to the health issues, I had to leave the postal service and take a receptionist position at a local dealership.

Things began to get better. Being in a controlled setting and less stress, I think it may have reduce the symptoms. Plus I LOVE TO TALK! Receptionist talks all day on the phone or with clients. I fit in well I’d say. My passion for vehicles kinda paid off as well, since it was a big topic as a dealership. Who knew, right?! HAHA!

The managers began noticing that I knew a good bit about the vehicles and was able to communicate with anyone. I felt like they recruited the entire dealership to get me to sell cars. UHH! After a few weeks, I caved in and agreed to try to sell for 3 months. If I didn’t like it, I could get the receptionist position back. There were a few things that weren’t mentioned when convincing me to sell cars.

1. I’d be walking a lot and in the heat.
2. Moving cars is involved, which includes heat and heat in the hot cars.
3. Riding in the back seat of cars with clients test drove them.
(Carsick and scared for my life)
4. If it rains and someone pulls up on the lot, the girls goes out and needs the sell.
HELLO, MY HAIR IS FRIZZY AND SHORT!
5. It required most nights and every Saturday.

Y’all it was rough to say the least at first. My biggest issues was the heat. I would get sooooo weak from it, but too stubborn to tell anyone. One night I had to leave work a little early to sing in sign language for a church revival. I had been hot and could tell I was having a flare up that day. Calling to warn my cousin, who is pastor’s wife of the church, to tell her that I may not be able to do all three songs as planned. When I got down there I was feeling somewhat better, yet not 100%. Walking in, my cousin’s son saw me swaying and almost fell. He grabbed my arms to help steady me to the pew. Being me, I was fine and got this! When it was my time to sing, I was able to complete two songs, and left immediately to drive 45 minutes home.

After that I seem to get much better, for a few weeks.

Then randomly one day I began feeling off. I couldn’t concentrate or function, like my brain wouldn’t act right. Weakness, dizziness, and nauseated came and went throughout each day or that week. Of course I wasn’t going to tell anyone, I hate letting it win, so I push through as much as I can. It started on the Tuesday of that week. On that Sunday, I was driving to church (30 minutes away), still feeling off balance and out of it mentally, yet being hard headed. While in Sunday school class, others could tell I was out of it and not myself. They said they saw me swaying, staring off, not talking, sweating some, etc. Right after class I went straight home, didn’t stop for food or anything.

The next day is the most beautiful day aka Monday! (all sarcasm) Plus it was the last week of the month which is a wonderful time in the car business. HA!

When I awoke that Monday morning, all the symptoms I had the day before had worsened. It’s mandatory for everyone to work the last week of the month, plus I wanted to meet my sales goal. Taking the day off was out of the question.

Normally I’d go into work and talk to people before our meeting in sales. Not that morning, I went straight into the conference room and laid my head down until others got there. I have no clue what we talked about or who was in there, but I was there. After the meeting was over, I went to sit in the showroom waiting for someone to enter the lot. Sitting up there for a while, I was getting very dizzy and nauseated. Before anyone could tell how sick I was becoming, I darted to the restroom. Almost 40 minutes later, a customer found that I had fallen out in the big stall. Needless to say, I was sent to the doctor and home.

Since, I haven’t been able to work nor drive. I was falling so much from becoming weak and dizzy that I was required to use a walker or a walking cane. UM HELLO! I am 29 years old, so I quickly chose a cane. My symptoms have been coming and going. Frustrated isn’t even close to explaining how I have felt. My mom and family have been paying my bills, which is the worse part for myself.

At this point, I refuse to use the cane and beginning to find employment again. Yet every time an opportunity comes up, my health doesn’t allow me to go. Just because I’m walking better or smiling, doesn’t mean I’m well or better. It means I am a master at disguising my pains and issues. The Invisible.